Thursday, February 2, 2012

state of mind

Yesterday was wonderfully normal. I woke up, talked with Joe, got the kids ready for school, worked out, cleaned all three bathrooms, played with my children, enjoyed the beautiful weather and fixed dinner. I relished in the fact that I didn't have to go to any doctor's appointments or run any cancer related errands.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a cancer related meltdown. I haven't taken any Zanax since Saturday. I feel calm. I don't know why. Maybe it is because I'm able to sleep again. Maybe it is because I'm in denial about what is going to happen. Maybe I am feeling comfort from God. I'm not sure. I'm just happy that I'm not crying all of the time.

I talked with a friend that had cancer 3 1/2 years ago. She told me not to think in the future and keep your thoughts on today. I started that yesterday and I think it's helping me.

I couldn't help but think about how my life has changed in one week. I am a planner. I live by my calendar. Two weeks ago I was looking at vacation destinations for my 10th wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I was setting up my photography work schedule. Three weeks ago I told a friend that Joe could coach Lauren's softball team this summer. Now all of my planning has come to a stop. I'm waiting to talk to the oncologists for a treatment plan. Once that is in place I can get back to planning again.

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