On Wednesday I am going to have a cyber knife treatment at OSU. Cyber knife is basically a very concentrated radiation treatment that will go directly to where the cancer cells were located. It will be a long day at the hospital. I have to be there at 6am and I will leave sometime in the afternoon but it is only one treatment and I'm finished.
I changed oncologists. I'm now seeing Dr. Shipiro at OSU. He is one of the nations best breast cancer doctors. It was good to get his opinions on my continuing treatment. Joe and I felt very good after leaving his office. We also feel good to have all of my treatment at OSU since all of the doctors know each other and all of the information can be shared in the same system. It makes it easier on everyone.
I have been trying my best to put these past few weeks behind me but it is hard. I have struggled to function. Sometimes the only thing that made me get out of bed were the kids. I didn't want them to have a memory of me laying in bed all day even though I really wanted to just watch TV and try to forget everything that has happened to me this year. I've tried to tell myself that other people have it worse than I do or at least my body is cancer free. Some days I could not even tell myself that. I just had to let myself feel bad or sorry for myself. I have a friend who would tell her kids you get one day to feel bad about what happened and then you pick yourself up and move on. I wish I could do that. Someday I will. Maybe I will when the huge scar on my head heals and my bald spot grows back. Maybe it will take longer than that. I don't know.
One morning I found a sticky note on our bathroom mirror that said, "no matter our circumstances no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it." Dieter Uchtdorf I love you! Joe
I do know that admid all of the depression there are bright spots and highlights of my days that I wouldn't give up for the world. I have wondered many times what 2012 would be like if I hadn't been diagnosed with breast cancer. I do know that cancer has made me see my world differently and changed me in many ways. I'm not sure that each change has been for the better but it is a part of who I am now.