moving forward

It's been a good week off. I have stuck pretty close around the house this week. Mostly we played with friends, ate great food and enjoyed this wonderful weather we are having this winter.

On Monday night a friend came over and shaved my head. It was falling out like crazy and I was ready to let it go. The kids didn't even care. I had told them about losing my hair. When it was shaved they glanced at me and continued to play. I asked Joe and impossible question, "Would you rather me be bald or 9 months pregnant?" Joe answered "bald." Good answer Joe! Of course, Joe said I look beautiful with no hair. I know he was lying and that is fine by me. He knows how much I hate to look in the mirror. I brush my teeth with my back to the sink. I feel like the phantom of the opera. I want to break every mirror in my house. The morning after my head was shaved the kids went off to school and I went to check my e-mail. I found a note from Joe telling me how beautiful I am.

Can I just say right now that Joe is as close to perfect as it gets. Sometimes I feel mad that he has to go though this awful time with me. He has been though so much in his life. I hate watching him carry the burden to work and come home to more work. He has handled it beautifully.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not upset about losing my hair. I'm upset that now I look sick. Now everyone knows that I'm not well. I hate that. Acquaintances now do a double take when they see me and ask if everything is alright. I hate having to explain to them that I have cancer. It would be nice for my hair to return just so I could avoid that conversation.

On the other hand my bald head has been sort of a support base. I have had many people come up to me in the store or at a park and say, "I'm 5 years cancer free from stage 4 throat cancer. You will be fine." I feel some connection with with these people I have never met. We are all fighting against the same thing.