The past few weeks

Well some people might think we are crazy but we booked a Disney Cruise back in December (to celebrate my good health HA HA!) and we still decided to go even though I knew I would have to spend the whole time in a wheelchair.  

The medicine I am taking along with the full brain radiation has made me very week.  I can't go upstairs without Joe carrying me and walking is difficult.  It was hard to not be the hands on vacation mom I'm normally used to.  Joe did everything including taking care of the kids and me.  I was so week I could not go to the bathroom unassisted.  

We had a lot of fun on the cruise.  The kids had a blast and it was fun watching them enjoy themselves.  Thanks to the child care on board Joe and I were able to have some time to ourselves.  Disney made us so happy we would do it again in a heartbeat.  Next time we will leave the wheelchair at home!

  I think I have fallen more in love with Joe every day on that trip.  Honestly at this point I can't even think of words to write to express my feelings to him.  His support means everything to me.  As I was taking a bath I told him how sorry I am that I am sick.  Joe said it is his pleasure to take care of me.  We have been married for 10 years and we have a great marriage.  I think this cancer has brought us even closer if that is possible.

I met a woman on the cruise who had stage 4 breast cancer and she is in remission.  I was so happy for her.  I hope to have that someday.
I get a lot of cards in the mail cheering me on.  Sometimes they make me cry, not because they are not appreciated but because they remind me how sick I am.  Don't stop sending them though!  I love to get mail.
I am in awe of all the people who are continuing to help us.  While we were gone a group of girls came and cleaned our house.  It felt so good to come back to a clean house.  People bring meals most nights.  They are really good and they fit my new dietary restrictions.  Everyone around us is always asking what they can do to help.  My sister quit her job so she can help us with the kids.  She is so kind for making that sacrifice for us.  My other sister will be spending a week with us as well later on in the month.  My parents are here every weekend.  We feel so blessed to have our family close by while we deal with this cancer.

Now to the not so fun stuff.  I'm having brain surgery on Monday at 11am.  It's supposed to be a simple procedure.  They are placing a port in my brain so they can deliver chemo right where they want it.  I have to spend the night in the hospital and should go home sometime on Tuesday.  I had my first treatment before we left on vacation and the doctor had to do a spinal tap to administer the drug.  I think the port is going to be more user friendly for me.  The spinal tap was not pleasant.  So after the port is placed I will have chemo every 2 weeks for the next 5 months.  They will spread it out towards the end.  I haven't been given all of the details yet.  Dr. Shipiro may give me another kind of chemo.  We will see when we meet with him.

I was reading over my blog and I can't help but think that I sounded a little ridiculous at first.  Especially when I lost my hair.  I don't have any hair right now and I don't care.  Right now all I want is to be in remission and to walk and drive my car and cook dinner.  If I could do all those things and not have one strand on my head I'm sure I wouldn't give it a second thought.  I was also very confident.  That is something that I need to get back.  That is why I posted the quote.  I have spent a lot of time scared and crying this last month.  Confidence is a quality that I had before but I can feel it leaving. I may have to find a self help book for that one :)