Last week I started losing my hair again. I knew losing my hair was a possibility and very likely to happen. It was still shocking to see it falling out again and I wasn't handling it very well. It's not cool to loose your hair once in a year and twice in one year is really not cool. I'm more accepting of it now. I am mostly bald on the upper right side of my head. If I have a hat on you wouldn't be able to tell how much hair I have lost. I'm glad that it is winter now because it is hard to wear hats when it's hot. I don't mind so much when it's cold.
I was at the Cleveland Clinic last week and I saw a woman who was completely bald wearing nothing on her head but she had these big hoop earrings and was dressed really cute. I wanted to say something to her like "You looks so bad ass like you are ready to kick cancer's butt" followed by a fist pump into the air. I didn't because I know better than anyone that some days you just want to walk into the hospital and not talk to anyone or look at anyone. You really just want to count the minutes until you are out of there.
Lately I have felt so good. I have energy and drive to do things with the kids and around the house. I actually go out shopping instead of waiting until my mom comes so she can run errands. It feels so good to get back to normal. I still average about 3 doctor's appointments a week but I just try to take it day by day when it comes to those appointments. I try not to think too far ahead because it will just make me anxious to think about the rescans and testing.
Tonight I decided to go to the gym and jog/walk on the track. As I looped around the track pacing myself with a slow and steady jog I decided to just sprint as fast as I could. It felt so good to use my body again, to feel short of breath, to feel normal even if it was for one lap. It also reminded me how much I hate running. Okay I'll be honest, an old guy was getting ready to pass me and I couldn't let that happen so that's the real reason I decided to sprint. It still felt really good.
I almost started this blog post with this quote.
Although this has been by far the hardest year of my life I feel grateful for so many things. I hope that I can move forward continuing to see the good and not the bad. Early this year I told Dr. Lilly that I wouldn't mind taking Versed (a drug they use to sedate you and also gives you amnesia) so I could forget this whole year. Dr. Lilly's response was "Think about all of the good things you would have missed." At the time I thought "Think of all the bad I wouldn't remember." Dr. Lilly was right. There has been so much good about this year along with the bad memories. Most of my year has been filled with love and support from family and friends. So many people have helped me through the tough times. I never felt like I was alone fighting cancer and for that I thank God for the people he has placed in my life.
