a little black rain cloud

I'm sure if you looked up our address on weather.com you would have looked at the doppler radar and seen this cloud. This cloud hovered over our house from 3am Thursday morning and finally blew away Sunday morning.

3am Thursday morning Lauren threw up. I was scheduled for my next chemo Thursday at 9:50. My mom came to help take care of the family. She woke up having an asthma attack. Joe stayed home from work and my mom took a trip to urgent care. Over the next two days, Joe caught Lauren's sickness and so did Jacob.

My second chemo treatment went better than I had expected. I was feeling very nervous on Wednesday. I had myself convinced the doctor's couldn't do anything for my nausea. Dr. Granger mixed me a new cocktail of meds and they worked great. I slept a lot. In my opinion that's not a bad thing.

My hair is falling out like crazy. It may be shaved tonight or tomorrow. Honestly I don't think I have the mental capacity to shave it tonight. I want to be like this woman who shaved her head and showed it off like a badge of courage. I think I might be getting there but not today.

My friend sent me these photos from her wedding today. This was a happy day. I remember feeling such joy for my friend. I sat at the table with friends and family telling stories, making jokes and certainly claimed the honor of the loudest table at the restaurant. I'll be honest when I saw that photo I wanted to go back to that day. I thought I was healthy that day.

Now my perspective has changed. Last chemo treatment I had 4 bad days and 11 great days. This week I had 3 bad days and I'll have 10 great days. I am seriously cherishing every great day. I cleaned my house the day before chemo feeling empowered with energy, I spent time with friends, I counted how many times my kids said "I love you mom."

I love how my religion has given me perspective on a larger scale. I know that this life is a test. I know that this life is probationary. I existed before this life and if I make correct choices I will continue to live with my family in the next life. I know that God has put me on this earth to learn. Every experience we have in this life can teach us and mold our character. My hope is that I can come out of this trial a better person than I started.